A Letter to My Grandparent—Dearest, Grandma..

I don’t have much memory of my parents when I was a kid. Not because there’s some problem, no. I lived with my grandparents and also my mom and other relatives in the house. My dad lives in a different province for work. A loud home, with lots of shoutings, shoutings of happiness, anger, sadness, and so much more emotions.

Kindergarten. An important first experience for your children. The person who accompanied me through the gates wasn't my mom nor my father. It was my grandma, my popoh. She was so kind, a very kind person. I can’t remember her getting angry at me. She always smiles, even though I was nosy or naughty. She always smiles. But she also cries. She has so much patience when dealing with me, when the world hates her, when the world talks ill about her, when the world disregards her, she stands strong.

I saw her cry a few times, she maybe has patience and kindness, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have other emotions. It breaks my heart, how could someone make a person as kind as her cry? Can’t people see how hurt she was? Despite those people who make her cry, she doesn’t bear any hatred in her heart. She said, “God has forgiven me for all my sins, and I should also forgive people who have sinned to me, why harbor hatred? for what sayang?”

She teaches me all life lessons that I have to know, how to be kind to people, and most importantly, she teaches me to know God. She was everything, a teacher, a grandma, a friend, and a mother figure to me. She was all I ever had when I was a kid. She’s gone now.

I remember the sadness that I felt, the feelings of not accepting the truth. I went to adifferent province for my second middle grade. For a reason to not burden my grandparents anymore since they’re also getting old, so my mother, me, and my little sister went to a different province where my father works.

Near Christmas, December 2015, calls have been going on and on for days and weeks between my aunt and my mother. My grandma is sick. And day by day, it got worse. December 29, 2015, a call came. I don’t know why I wasn’t asleep that night, I heard my mother weeping, she’s crying, why is she crying? I rose up from the bed and asked her. “She’s dead” My grandma died. Wet tears build up in my eyes, drop by drop, until it becomes a stream that won’t stop. “She’s not dead, she’s not dead, I know she’s strong, how could she be dead??” “I don’t believe you, she’s not dead, gak mungkin, gak mungkin popoh ga ada, cici tau popoh kuat, I know her, there’s no way”

In such a short time that I left, she left also.

I prayed and prayed, God please let it all be a dream, if not please wake her up, I know she’s just sleeping, there’s no way she will leave me alone. She didn’t wake up. It was all in vain. I lost her, I lost my teacher, my grandma, my friend, and my mother figure.

How I wish, I could say my last thank you, and my last sorry to her. How I wish I was there, staying by her side at her last moment. How I wish I could spend my time again with her. You were everything, everything I could ask for, my first lost, was you.

There’s nothing that I could do to repay you, thank you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for always spoiling me with gifts. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for introducing me to Him, to God. Thank you for everything you’ve given me. All your acts of kindness, I'll always remember them and I'll also do the same.

I’m sorry if I have ever made you cry, I’m sorry that I was a bit troublesome to deal with. I’m sorry because sometimes, i’m the reason you got into an argument with grandpa. I’m sorry for not being there with you at your last moment. I’m sorry that I can't say all my last thank yous’.

Please watch me, watch me as I make you proud here on Earth. Watch me become someone successful, someone who is faithful, someone who can share, someone who is loved and who is loving. Please pray for me from up there, and watch me always.

Go and rest poh.. you’ve done everything for me until your last breath, and I know God can see your heart and tell you that you’ve also done your best. You’ve finished His purpose. Thank you, I’ll also do my best. Please love me again from up there. Thank you poh.. I love you.